Happy Gotcha Day - celebrating your kids adoption!

Today we are celebrating "Gotcha Day" for Max Brockmeyer.

22 years ago today we landed at Dulles Airport in Chantilly, VA after traveling almost 11,000 miles from Moscow, Russia via Frankfurt, Germany.  It was a long trip - I was alone with my two boys ages 4 1/2 and 2 1/2.  I had been in Russia for almost 6 weeks, and I could not wait to see the United States of America.  I was also pretty excited to see my husband, Joe.

June 25, 1992 was a wonderful day .... God answered my prayers, and I brought my two beautiful little boys home... we had begun our "forever" family.

Each year for each of our children we celebrate "Gotcha Day".  When they lived at home I cooked their favorite meal, or a meal they picked, and they received a small gift to remember the day. 

I believe that kids need to know that they are adopted - adoptive parents need to tell them as soon as they are old enough to understand the concept of adoption. 

I talk with families all the time who don't tell their kids until they are older, and than there are major issues. 

As adoptive parents we need to be secure in our relationship with our children.  We don't need to fear birthparents.... they just want to know their children are okay..... they don't want to destroy your relationship with your child.....we forget they love our children too!

Celebrate your child's adoption - tell them they are adopted - tell them they are special, share with them their story....

Create great "GOTCHA DAY" memories......

Your kids will always remember it, and they will love you for it..........

Our coming home photo - not the best quality..... but it evokes such precious memories.....

Pooling or Profiling vs. Fixed Waiting lists - How are adopting families and birth mothers matched?

I often receive phone calls from adoptive families who have questions about how they can or will be matched with a birth mother if they are proceeding with an adoption.

First, as I have said before, you must be approved by a licensed child-placement agency in your state to do an adoption - this approval document is called a home study.

Once you have a home study how you are matched with a birth mother will depend on who you are working with to accomplish your adoption placement.  Agencies have different processes, and it is important that you understand your agency's process for matching your family with a birth mother.

Most agencies use a pooling or a profiling technique for matching adoptive families with birth parents - that means once you have been approved to adopt your agency will ask you to prepare a document or a profile about your family - basically a brochure that outlines all the reasons a birth mother should choose you.  Once you have done your profile it is shared with birthparents - it can be shared on an internet site or it can be sent to birthparents electronically or thru the mail.  Typically, agencies send multiple profiles to birth parents or show them a "pool" of profiles all at one time.  The birth mother than chooses the adoptive family she wishes to work with from the profiles she has received from the agency. 

If an agency has a fixed waiting list - the process is very different.  

After an adoptive family is approved to adopt their name is added to the agency's list of waiting families.  (In most cases, the agency's list is kept according to the date a family registers with the agency) When a birth mother or birthparents contact the agency, and indicate they wish to proceed with placing their child for adoption they are interviewed, and asked to provide their adoption case worker with qualifications for their "perfect" adoptive family.  Then when it comes time to match the birth mother with a family the agency goes to the first family on the fixed waiting list that meets the birth mother's requirements, and they attempt to make a match. When matching the birth mother and an adoptive family the agency  also keeps in mind the family's requirements for a birth mother.  The adoptive family may be the birth mother's perfect family, but she may not be their "perfect birth mother".

With the fixed waiting list typically the agency presents families to the birth mother - they can discuss the family with the birth mother, and if a birth mother has questions or concerns about a family she and  the agency case worker can discuss them.  Families are typically presented one at a time, but ultimately, the birth mother has the right to say yes or no to proceeding with the adoptive family present to her by the agency. 

If you have questions about this issue or any other adoption issues or questions just Holler "Hey Adoption Lady"

Private Adoption vs. Agency Adoption ......

I receive many calls during my average day at work from families who are looking into adoption.  I have written posts about starting the adoption process  and what is required - so if you have questions look back through my posts....or just holler hey adoption lady!

Today, I would like to briefly discuss the differences between an agency adoption, and a private adoption. 

First, an agency adoption.  When an adoptive family does an agency adoption they work with a licensed agency to complete their adoption. The agency coordinates every aspect of the adoption from match until finalization, and they are there to walk the adopting family through each stage of the adoption process. 

 Agencies charge a fee for their services, and every agency has different requirements and procedures for their adopting families, and their adoption programs.  Make sure you understand how the program or agency you have chosen works. Asks lots of questions. Additionally, always check with the child licensing authority in the state where the agency is located to make sure they are a legitimate agency.

Also, remember the agency doing your placement may not be your home study agency -

(every adopting family, whether doing an agency or a private adoption, must be approved to adopt - the adoption approval document is called a home study or a Pre-placement Report.  Adopting families can work with one agency to do their home study, and a different agency to do the placement of a child if they choose)

Private adoption:  A private adoption is very different from an agency adoption. When doing a private adoption the adoptive family typically finds the birth parents on their own, and  works with an attorney, and the birth parents to complete the adoption process. Coordination for a private placement is typically handled by the attorney involved, or the adopting family.   In most private adoptions there is much less coordination as compared to an agency adoption. 

When an adoptive family chooses to do a private adoption they must be prepared that finding birth parents who wish to place their children for adoption may be a difficult and expensive process.  Some attorneys, the ones who do adoptions on a regular basis, may have available birth mothers, but that is not typical.  Typically, adopting families must advertise etc. to find their birth parents.  It is important to remember that laws vary from state to state regarding advertising etc., and adopting families need to be aware of what can and can not be offered to a birth mother as part of the adoption process because different states have different laws about this as well.

I get calls  all the time from adopting families who try to adopt on their own, without the help of an agency, and they have lost money because they paid expenses for a birth mother who changed her mind, and lost lots of money.

Do your home work, and if you have questions about agency or private adoptions - JUST HOLLER HEY ADOPTION LADY......

Costs, and what can be paid for in Adoption

Several times a day we get phone calls from birth parents and adopting families who ask the question - what can a birth mother be paid for by adoptive parents....

So today, I would like to address the question-

What can adoptive parents pay for when they are doing a domestic adoption?

In all 50 states adoptive families can pay medical and legal expenses for mother and baby. 

Medical expenses include pre-natal visits, and post-natal visits, hospital expenses for Mom and baby, incidental expenses for things like sanitary pads, pre-natal vitamins, and typically expenses for post-adoption counseling if the birth mother or birth parents request those services. 

Legal expenses covered include everything that is done to finalize the adoption by the attorney and/or agency involved in the adoption.

(Expenses paid to birth parents are based on laws of the state where the baby is born - unless the birth parents waive their rights in favor of the AF's state or the agency's state.) 

Some states allow adopting families to pay additional expenses for birth parents.  Those expenses vary from state to state, but typically include things like housing costs, maternity clothes, lost wages etc.  I always recommend that you speak with your agency and/or attorney before paying anything on behalf of birth parents. 

In some states you can pay expenses on behalf of a mother from the time she contacts an agency, and begins working with them.  Other states are much more specific and stipulate that expenses can not be paid until a certain month of the mother's pregnancy, and that they can only be paid for a certain period of time after the baby is born.

If you pay expenses and a birth mother changes her mind you may not get your money back - so be very careful, and no what you can and can not pay in terms of expenses.

GIFTS ARE NEVER ALLOWED..... YOU NEVER WANT IT TO LOOK LIKE THE BABY WAS BOUGHT.

If you have additional questions regarding this and other adoption questions just holler HEY ADOPTION LADY.....

Can I get my baby back after I have placed the child for adoption?

I get phone calls everyday from birth parents.  They are considering adoption, and often they will ask - "Can I get my baby back after I have placed the child for adoption?"  The answer is yes and no.

You can get the baby back if the consent revocation period has not passed - but you can not get the baby back if there was no revocation period or the time to change your mind has passed.



After a baby is born the birth parents must sign consents to the adoption.  Every state has different laws about when consents can be signed, but typically it is at least 24 hours after the baby is born. 

Once the consent is signed there may be a revocation period or a period of time during which the birth mother can change her mind and ask the adopting family or agency to return the baby to her.

If a revocation period exists, and it has not ended before you change your mind, you can get your baby back.  But, if you live in a state where there is no revocation period or the revocation period has passed you can not get your baby back.

Make sure you understand your rights before you sign your consents.  Ask questions, and if you don't understand a document - don't sign it.

If you have other questions -

Just Hollar ......Hey Adoption Lady

Question of the day......What are post-placment visits, and why do we have to do them...

I frequently get phone calls from people asking about post-placement supervisory visits...... they want to know what they entail, how often they have to be done, and what they will cost.

Post-placement supervisory visits occur after an adopted child has been placed in your home, and they must be completed before your adoption can be finalized.

The number of visits, and where they are done is determined by the state where the baby is born - or if the birth mother waives her rights in favor of a state other than the one where the baby is born - for instance in favor of the state where the agency or the adopting family is from than that state will determine the number and location of the post-placement visits. 

Typically most of the Post-placement visits are done in the adopting family's home, but some states may allow visits to be done in the adoption agency's office. 

Visits are typically done 30-60 days apart, and in most states 3 visits are required within the first six months following placement of a child in an adoptive family's home.....

REMEMBER - EVERY STATE HAS DIFFERENT REQUIREMENTS REGARDING POST-PLACEMENT SUPERVISORY VISITS - SO ASK YOUR AGENCY OR ADOPTION PROFESSIONAL WHAT IS GOING TO BE REQUIRED IN YOUR CASE....

Typically during a post-placement visit the adoptive family is interviewed, and the social worker observes interaction between the family and their adopted child.  The family is asked questions that deal with their child's growth and development, the child's adjustment to the adoptive family, and about their adjustment to their newest family member....

In many states an adoptive family's other child/ren must also be interviewed as part of the post-placement visit.

It is also typical that at some time during the post-placement supervisory period you will be asked to provide the agency with a report from your adopted child's pediatrician so that the agency can ensure  the child is not being abused, that the child's immunizations are current, and that the doctor has no concerns regarding the adoptive family's ability to parent the child.  Some states also require a statement from the child's daycare provider if they are being cared for on a regular basis by someone other than the child's adoptive parents.  The agency will also ask to see the adopted child's room.

The cost for post-placement supervisory visits varies from agency to agency.  Some agencies charge for visits and travel costs as they do them - others charge a flat fee for Post-placement visits.

Typically a post-placement visit with our agency takes 45 minutes to an hour.

Make sure you know your agency's policies regarding post-placement visits, and remember if you have any additional questions...........just holler HEY ADOPTION LADY!

Question of the day.....What does an adoption cost, and why is it so expensive... Differences between agency and private adoptions...

The costs of an adoption today varies depending on what type of adoption you are doing.  Agency adoptions are expensive and can range from approximately $20, 000 to $50,000 or more, private adoptions are less money than an agency adoption probably in the $10,000 range, and foster care leading to an adoption is typically free to the adoptive family because the costs are paid by taxpayers.  

In all 50 states adopting families are responsible for paying for the medical and legal expenses associated with an adoption, and in some states birth mothers are entitled to receive other expenses such as living expenses, money for maternity clothes,  and housing etc.  Every state has different rules regarding expenses, and it is very important that adoptive families understand what they can and can not pay for before agreeing to pay a birth mother for her expenses....Paying a birth mother thousands of dollars for college or other undisclosed expenses is illegal in most states - its called baby selling.....

So, why is an agency adoption so expensive and how does it differ from a private adoption .....

agencies find birth mothers for adopting families - in a private adoption the family has to find a birth mother - it is expensive to advertise and do all the things that are necessary for agencies to find birth mothers - the agencies pass the costs onto their families....

Agencies do all the leg work - they arrange everything with the hospital, the attorneys, and the birth parents - with a private adoption often that is done by the adopting family, and it requires a lot of work...

Agencies counsel birth parents, and work with them before and after the adoption

Agencies provide adopting families with pre-adoption and post-adoption counseling...

Adoption is expensive - that is a fact, but I recommend you work with a licensed child-placement agency ..... they are monitored by their state's licensing authority, and while you will pay more I believe in the long run you will have a better experience.....

If you have more specific questions related to this topic - just holler - HEY ADOPTION LADY...